I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
