Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
