I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
