I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
