I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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