Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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