My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
