so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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