Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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