if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
