i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
