she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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