Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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