When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
