Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
if only i could text you this smell
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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