i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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