Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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