I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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