Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
