did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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