tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
