Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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