I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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