I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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