If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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