Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
