I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
