you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
