I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
