First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
