Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
