I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
