why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
