The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
