I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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