Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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