I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
