why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
