my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
