true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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