I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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