Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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