I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
