I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
