i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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