Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
