You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
