Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
