WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
