Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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