i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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