The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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