yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
