Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
