you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
