Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
