if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
