ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
