I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
