I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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