i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
