Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
