I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
