We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
